Essence

by N. Jane Allio

          The North West taught me how to be myself 
          again; it connected me to my childhood
          essence.
                   To a simpler, cleaner life, void of excess.
            It brought me back to love from bitterness.
            The rain washed off my fears & doubts
            The sun taught me how to be thankful, what
                   true gratitude look, feels, smells, and tastes like
                   A husband taught me patience & unconditional
                   love
             And Dear Old Mother Nature, who showed me what living with
                   her is all about, bringing me back to 
                   my long forgotten roots deep within 
                   the cool damp earth. Of how to wish
                   and how to bend, the soul of my
                   steady pen

Photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/thorinside/712067837/">thorinside</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

17th Floor View

By N. Jane Allio

Tiny little ant-people moving between
        looming geometrical concrete.
Where toy cars slowly puff in and out
        of bite-sized trees & lettuce greens

"The Styrge Gargoyle"
 by clafouti via stock.xchng

Nobody looks up.

But we look down.

Across the way the Gargoyles play,
seen only by the me's in the tops of these-

concrete places,
we have no faces,
only glass cases,
cages of tamed memes.

Rageful Prayer

by N. Jane Allio

When will the delusion break?
When will peace overtake?
  When the sleeping wake?

Why can't the dawn bring forth peace?
Why does the love that will never cease -
    not over take the ill at ease?

When will "god" above come down to save the little dove?

If he is up there in his mighty hall
Why can he not hear their call?

When will the good that's been done yield the reap?
Can you not hear them weep?

You up in your palace there
Come down here?
You wouldn't dare.

Shame on you for leaving those who love your face
to let the dogs and demons race-
to see who will be the first to taste
all the blood that has spilled, a waste.

cambiodefractal / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

Little Secret Moments of Glory

by N. Jane Allio

  The morning was brisker that day. Summer is already fading... it will be winter again soon, I thought starkly while stepping off the bus. Once on the street I glanced at my watch, 10:23, an hour and a half early… well, better than being late I supposed, now what to do with all this time?  I looked across Hastings St. and saw my salvation, three Waves employees standing on the corner, one in a to-go-cup suit, handing out free coffee vouchers. Yes! This is a good sign, today is going to be a good day, I mused crossing the street. Smiling as a voucher was placed into my hand by an eager employee who was obviously thoroughly enjoying the task of making a strangers’ day a little brighter with a hot bevy on the house.  

  While waiting for my little decaffeinated treat, I realized I was standing in the exact same coffee shop in which I drank my very first Vancouver, BC java. Thanking the barista kindly for ensuring its lack of caffeine and side of soy milk, I made my way to the milk and sugar station to sweeten my cup with a few pumps of liquid cane sugar – yes, dear U.S. readers, in Canada the native coffee houses thoughtfully provide liquid cane sugar and honey pumps for customer use, a kind gesture indeed for the iced coffee drinkers of the world, but I digress. 

  As I settled into a choice seat on the second level overlooking the first, I envisioned me a year ago sitting in the far right hand corner on a high stool facing the window, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, head phones in my ears, a soy pumpkin late in one hand and the other furiously writing Accounting 101 notes, eyes darting back and forth between a black spiral notebook and the screen on my little black net book plugged into the wall by a long black cord.  How far I have come, I reflected, almost two years ago I was a college student visiting my Canadian/American boyfriend, sitting in this very coffee shop completing college courses, unable to work, a stranger in a new land, on the tip of a great adventure. Contrasting the present, sitting in a blue and white polka-dot dress complete with a short sleeved khaki jacket - very 1950's - drinking my decaf, now a local of beautiful British Columbia, a degree holder, instead of learning accounting principles I pull stored knowledge from the vault and use it in real-world application, killing time before the second of three potential employment interviews, and to ice the cake with the sweetest and fluffiest of frosting's I am happy. The contentment washed over me while I paused basking in my own little secret moment of glory. This is me now and this is where I have been; how far I have come. The reason for sitting in this very place is quite different from why I sought this cafe out the first time, and I am so very happy.

"Sunset at Mitchell" by Crystal Wong

   Seasons change, and as I grow I have begun to measure time not by hours, days, weeks or months, but by seasons. Summer seasons are easy going, work is light and fun is heavy, spring season is full of beauty and new beginnings, fall with its’ rapid changes and gusting winds, and finally frigid testing winter. Just like the seemingly never-ending Canadian winter, stages in life can feel as if they will not pass, that there is no motion, no progress being made, that the cold will last forever.

  These seasons are however, ever moving, in constant motion, bringing life and energy to the earth. Those willing to accept the season they are in, finding the humor and joy in it, are the ones that live happy. Trying constantly to move into the next season before the current is compete looses some of the lessons that have yet to be learned or fun yet to be had. Patience, trust, determination, and dedication to passions and love, are the keys to floating through life in harmony with all the passing seasons. Being able to pause and recognize little secret moments of glory are essential. Being able to just breathe in a moment of contentment and recognition is similar to treating yourself to a spa day but for the soul... and everyone could use a little pampering every now and again.

When the Train Stands Still

by N. Jane Allio

While it is important to always be in the moment, it is also, quite as important, not to forget about the future.

  These past few summer months have come with much welcomed company, my mother, family friends, and relatives of sorts have graced us we their presences and I must say my husband and I have played quite the host and hostess.

 However, beneath this sunny exterior there was me, brooding, anxious, full of what ifs. I’ve been so consumed with my inability to leave the country of my new residence that I became gloomy, lazy and stressed over a situation that is completely out of my control.

 During these pleasantries my mind had been pre-occupied with me, and about this very moment of time that seems to be dragging on and on and on. “When would it ever end??” I thought to myself repeatedly. I kept thinking about the different ways I ended up where I am today. I began to doubt if I had chosen the right path. Perhaps this was not my destiny, I had chosen wrong.

 I let myself carry this thread until it had woven itself into a blanket I wrapped myself and napped in ever so cozily.

Photo contribution by Crystal Wong

 I lost sight of what these moments in life create, a beautiful flowing river of life that carries us forward into our future.

  Sometimes, when the cold North winds blow, it is best to remember that this is just a season, and seasons do change.

 The question now, is what to do in the time in between?

I chose action. What I choose to do now will shape my future forever, so being ever present to make the best decisions possible with the time I have is key. Taking steps today that will guide me to a better tomorrow is the way I choose to walk.

That means taking a look in the mirror and asking some tough questions and then, maybe the hardest part, answering those questions honestly.

If we aren’t honest with ourselves, who will be?

There is no invisible conductor driving the train on its’ tracks, we are the conductors, “we are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams (excerpt from Ode by Arthur O'Shaughnessy).” We are the ones who shape our life the way it will be. There is no time to waste for today is passing away and birthing tomorrow.

Tulips and Sunshine and Openness

by N. Jane Allio

I was walking out of my apartment last week on a particularly sunny day. The first day, in fact, that it was warm enough to go out with just a light sweater. Eagerly padding along the walkway I took note of the beautiful red, yellow, purple, and pink tulips that were in full bloom just soaking up the sunlight. Their bright petals bending over backward so far they looked as if they might fall straight off the stem. 

"Burst of Color" by Crystal Wong

What beauty!

I looked at those little flowers and smiled to myself, thinking, they must love the sunshine as I do.

The next day it rained... again. On my less then peppy steps out the door and down the walkway I noticed the tulips again, this time, instead of opening wide for the warm rays of the sun to kiss their petals they nestled together tight as if their petals had not yet seen the sun. 

I was taken aback by this phenomenon. I had learned that nature naturally leaned toward the sun. I did not realize they were so affected by it.

Then it hit me.

I too was like the tulip flower.

Days when the sun is shining high in the sky it is easy to be open, to give and receive love easily without restraint. Other days when the clouds roll in, nothing is going well, and the world is seemingly against me, in defense I clam up. Just like the tulips.

While I may not be able to change the weather outside, I am able to change my perspective.

It is all too easy to clam up and huddle my petals around me, tightly safe in my closed off space. But how can I live life fully if I am scared to peak my head out and see the world around me? I can’t.

If I want to be the bloomed tulip every day, I need to carry the sunshine with me, always. 

I can do that through spending time alone with myself and asking some simple questions:

How am I feeling at the moment?

Am I at peace? If not, what is bothering me and why?

Is this something I can change or is it out of my control? Is this something I need to hold onto or should I let it go?

If I am in a peaceful state, am I emitting this peace and love to others through my actions and words? Or am I hording the light that shines brightly within me?

Through answering these questions and taking appropriate action, I am able to turn on my own light and carry it with me throughout my day, not only making my inner world brighter, but perhaps brightening up somebody else's day too.

I know I am not the only person affected by me, just as the sun affects different life forms in the world, so we affect others. When my light is dimmed by emotions, feelings, and thoughts that have gone unchecked I am at risk of missing out on a wonderful experience.

Checking in with my internal world on a regular basis allows the light within me to steadily burn like a lighthouse in the midst of a dark storm, not like a naked candle which is easily puffed out by a draft. 

It does take time, effort, and patience but as I am continually learning, just because it rained today, doesn't mean it has to continue to dampen my mood, or that today can't be a beautiful day. It only means it is raining – and a little rain is good. It nourishes and cleanses our bodies and souls.

The choice is up to me, just as it is up to you. 

Will you choose to light up your world or will you remain in darkness?

Connecting With the Inner-Child

by N. Jane Allio

The first day of sun in a week was a welcome surprise. I woke up Friday morning to find, not snow, but gorgeous rays of sunlight dancing through my mesh curtains kissing my face. What a glorious day, I thought to myself, and determined to not let it go by without fully basking in its majesty.

 So, I called up a couple of friends, one of which has an extremely energetic two-year-old that loves to play, and ventured outside. On our walk we absolutely had to stop by the neighborhood park for rounds of climbing big winding structures, teeter-tottering, sliding, and of course taking a spill or two in the bark.

Photo contribution by Crystal Wong

Running, climbing, feeling my muscles burn hanging up-side-down, blood rushing to my face, the sheer thrill of hanging there without a care in the world, flying freely as I flew down the slide and straight off the tail into the dirt. Listening to shrieking laughter fill the atmosphere accompanied by a multitude of smiles. This is how memories are made during sunny days of childhood play. 

All to often our daily life fills with stress, work, worries, bills, errands, chores, and other "gown-up" obligations that the kid within us begins to get lost under a pile of dishes, paperwork, and un-matched socks. Forgetting to take the time, like that dear little two-year-old, to pause, smell the daisies, and say, "Mmmmmmm." 

When we don't allow ourselves the time to stop and do something childish every now and again we begin to become callus to our surroundings, eventually we go through our days like a work horse, blinders on as not to get distracted from the road. 

Each moment is unique unto itself allowing ourselves to go through each day with child-like wide eyed wonderment does not negate the wisdom that has been gained, but rather allows it to be applied in new and different areas. Not to mention, humbling pride along the way.

At least this is what my experience has been.

After I embraced this childishness within myself, it manifested in a beautifully productive way, instead of coming out during a frustration ending in embarrassment. Ignoring the little voice with-in saying to take the long way home, or just take a break for a minute and go for a walk, suppresses needs that yearn to be filled. Taking the time to blow of a little steam by being aware, honoring, and embracing these necessities opens the hatch of the internal pressure cooker, allowing relaxation and happiness to fill the newly empty space. 

So if you feel stressed, bogged down by work, or just plain muggy, try skipping down a wooded path, sitting in a garden, climbing a tree, or whatever you feel compelled to do, I am almost certain your frown will turn up-side-down. 

Opening the Door of Perspective

By N. Jane Allio

Photo contribution by Crystal Wong

My mother was earning her college degree in psychology while I was in high school. Needless to say, I ended up listening to her tell me about different cases and scenarios she was studying or wound up discussing some theory she came across and thought to share. I found almost everything she talked about incredibly fascinating.

On one particular occasion I recall her telling me about the idea of differing perspectives. Sharing the story of a family getting into a heated discussion, then when each person was asked what happened, they all gave a story that was just a little bit different. Signifying that one person may not see something the same way you see it. It could be a situation like the aforementioned, or perhaps a painting, or the wording of a math problem, the lyric to a song, or a street corner scene, etc.

Sounds elementary I know, but for the first time I began to grasp a deeper meaning. Yes, I am the only person seeing with my eyes, hearing with my ears, smelling with my nose, touching with my hands, tasting with my tongue, and interpreting an array of emotions that bloom with in me. However, I am not the only person in this world, I am not the only one capable of seeing, thinking, reasoning, feeling, or concluding. I am one of seven billion. Among those seven billion there are those with more knowledge than I possess, better skills and qualifications, wider ranges of influence, and etc. Beyond mere global population, the Earth is one of an infinite number of planets in the vast envelope of the universe.

For most, at one time or another, such thoughts have the capability of flinging the mind into a ferocious storm of self pity and doubt; all about how insignificant the existence is of one human life. I know this because thoughts like these used to occupy my mind a lot.

If I told you I now consider this truly comforting, would you believe it? Well it is - to me at least.

This is because when I consider how many others there are it does not take away from me, rather, it adds to the uniqueness that I possess. In the whole universe there is none like me or you. Our talents, abilities, ways of thinking, credentials, or lack there of, all help to create a beautiful world with diversity that ought to be celebrated.

Unfortunately, there are those that are severely frighted because everyone is not a like. Wars have been raged in the names of religion, race, virtue, and vengeance, in order to force mass conformity.

Now what if we took that fear and turned it inside out? Shifting the paradigm of our thoughts and looking, not only at each other but also the world, with humble openness instead of stubborn arrogance.

Brooks Atkinson said, “The most fatal illusion is the settled point of view. Since life is growth and motion, a fixed point of view kills anybody who has one.”

Our earth is in constant forward motion, it only make sense that we ourselves are as well, physically, emotionally, and mentally. We need only to open the door of perspective in order to see how.

This beautiful video sums it all up.

Astrophysicist Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson was asked by a reader of TIME magazine, "What is the most astounding fact you can share with us about the Universe?" This is his answer...

Carpe Diem

By N. Jane Allio

I found myself wallowing between the past and the present today. Dwelling willfully in the memories of family and friends far away. Such gloom was beginning to steal the sun out of my usually sunny disposition.

While it is always pleasant to think upon the past, getting wrapped up in it so much that I am not being fully aware takes for granted the beautiful moment at hand.

Preoccupying my mind by living in memories of the past disconnects me from that special place in my mind and body where I allow the day to organically unfold before me; like a flower's petals unfolding to bask in the first rays of the morning sun. The little nuances that give each day a different meaning get drowned out by the white-noise of normality. Consequently resulting in missed opportunities, however big or small.

I usually tread down this road when I do not take time to focus my mind which, for me, means meditating and practicing yoga in the morning. These habitual rituals tidy my mind, so to speak, leaving a clean space for what the day may have in store. Allowing each passing minute to be new and special in its own way.

There is no moment like right now, to fully appreciate it I must be fully present. How can I appreciate the view if I don't open my eyes and look around? Well I can't. I must open my eyes and look, and when my eyes are open I see that beauty abounds.

Photo by N. Jane Allio

An Everyday Contemplation.

By N. Jane Allio

So I am sitting at a café typing away sipping my tea with my head phones in – not listening to music.

I am not sure when exactly I got into the habit of doing this. I am pretty sure it was when I was in high school and would study either out at a cafe or at home in a (for lack of a better term) “public area” and I wanted not to be disturbed by others, yet didn’t mind the ambient sounds drifting in one ear and out the other- like the aroma of freshly baked pie filling the air with a sweetness that is almost edible. The sound is comforting to me. It is a sign of people living life, being out in the world, doing exciting things.

In the midst of all these sounds I cannot help but single out a comment here, an exclamation there, the low rumble of music playing quietly. My eyes wonder about glancing at the faces of people coming and going. I know it is a little obvious, but it amazes me at how much diversity there is in this world. There are so many different people and sounds, I am blessed to be able to hear and see what is happening around me. For instance, there is this girl sitting at the barista bar with a beautifully crafted Mohawk, such an encouraging site! What kind of place would the world be if everyone expressed themselves so freely, allowing their courageous creativity to touch passersby with unsolicited inspiration?

Some days, I find the need to simply pause and appreciate what this life has given.
People, nature, the world, they all inspire me to create something magical.
So in the spirit of thanks here is a little rhyme in, of course, three quarters time:)

Imagination.
My word of choice for contemplation,
gives way to unbridled visualization-
of grey skies turning blue –
sound too true for you?

Well then let me give you a pop,
that bubble has now been stopped:
the double sum of a troublesome thought,
can only be plucked by wrought.
So as today comes to a close,
say, “thank you” to your pinky toes.

Photo by N.Jane Allio

Overcoming Defeatist Thoughts Inhibiting Creative Mojo Flow

By N. Jane Allio

I've come to the board today without any agenda. Only to write what comes into my head.
I have not been posting my writing on my blog much, which is not unlike-me. In fact, I have barely post on my blog since I started it this past summer.
So I ask myself, why? Well now that I think on it, because I often succumb to a few different defeatist thoughts which inhibit my creative mojo...

Defeatist thought #1: "This piece is not good enough for others to read."
This is my number one stumbling block about 80% of the time. I am extremely critical of myself, at times to an un-healthy extent. However, I am working to try and knock this thought out of the brain park for good. So from now on if I write it - I am to posting it. Starting with this piece then moving onto the plethora of back-logged half written pieces and when the fancy strikes to write, as it most often does, just doing it. No more excuses. No more hesitation. Finally unveiling that which lies beneath the skin for me and anyone else who wishes to read.

Defeatist thought #2: "No one actually reads my blog besides some lonely Alaskan shrouded in the darkness of winter" -- hah!
I can't think of a better pep-talk for myself other than a quote from Field of Dreams, "If you build it, they will come." alright lady, if you write it (and post it!), they will read it. To whoever is reading in Alaska ~ shouts out homie! Thanks for reading!

Defeatist thought #3: "I am scared to write what is really is on my mind for fear of criticism and rejection by people."
In the past few years I have challenged myself and most of the beliefs I used to, and in some cases still do, hold. I find that I am ever questioning and changing. For so long I thought I was supposed to be this and supposed to do that because of this reason or that, etc. Well no more I say! I have had enough of the games. So get this cyber space, if you don't like what I'm saying you don't have to read my blog... I don't care if you're the Pope.
I am not out to change people’s minds or to give some sort of affirmation to any one belief. I am here to be me. I cannot do that whilst hiding behind fear of rejection.
So with that said I am going to swallow this lump of fear building in the back of my throat and "share" this on my social network page. To be quite plain with myself, if I don't promote me who the heck will?

Defeatist thought #4: "This is never going to lead anywhere."
As I think to myself sitting here drinking my morning tea, "Does it have to go somewhere?" ...It already brought me to the coffee shop, Hey-O! I digress... When I write, I write for myself, which is one of the reasons I have such difficulty sharing with others what finally flows from the brain down the neck to the shoulders and through the arms to the tips of the fingers and finally onto little black and white keys that make little black and white words in a big world that is anything but black and white.
Of course I want to be successful, but that definition of success should not be tied to this blog. Writing is my outlet it has been ever since I knew how to write. Rather, I will now attempt to re-shape my idea of success to time-management. If I manage my time well, slotting out time blocks for specific projects and do not procrastinate, I know I will feel I am successfully using my time to the fullest. Especially if I actually post what I am writing instead of hording it for my eyes only!!


As it stands I am on a little mission for myself. I have set some personal goals to work toward. Every time I find myself facing one of these defeatist thoughts, I am going to pull this back up and remind myself, I have the power to pull away the shades and let the beautiful sunny rays shine into the darkness. It is up to me where my mind takes me and where my feet go, there is no one telling me what to do or where to go but me. So, I am putting on the captain’s hat, taking the helm, and plunging into the abyss with all my passion behind me.

If I am the only one who has gained something from this post I will consider it a success.

Seeing as I have already learned so much through the processes of creation, I will consider success complete once I post this for the eyes of the world to read as they will and fulfilling the on-going goals which I have set for myself.

And so begins a new epoch on which to embark.

Until tomorrow, thank you all for reading!

"Keep Calm and Carry On"

by N. Jane Allio

  I really want to complain right now... let the emotional flood gates open into a sea of self pity and encumbered regret. Instead, I am going to list the reasons why I can still be positive in the midst of this storm passing through: 

1. The sun is shinning and it is a beautiful day here in Vancouver.

2. My health is in superb condition.

3. My husband is well and safe.

4. My parents and siblings are all safe and alive.

5. I laughed with a homeless man today who offered me cashews

6. I had a wonderful discussion with the ESL discussion group I volunteer leading.

7. Writing is becoming easier for me as I practice everyday.

8. I have had over 200 views to my blog page (thanks everyone!)

9. I have food enough, shelter enough, and clothing of plenty.

10. My apartment is clean and orderly.

11. I am still sore from Yoga yesterday.

.... I could go on, but I don't think I there is a need. 

   I find it remarkable how the compulsion to complain and wallow is so strong, yet will and determination is much stronger. Ladies (and Gents :-) I am not sure if you are aware of how powerful you actually are?

   I know at times I doubt my strength and allow my inner dialogue to get the better of my well being, following which I feel discouraged that I am not positively changing continuing to spiral into old habits and ways of thinking. 

 Today, however, there is a different focus. You. Your strengths, your ability to keep going in the face of fear, grief, hardship, heartache, body-ache, 0 dollars in the bank with bills on the way, surprise difficulties, and the every-day-hum-drum-feeling-numb. These are ways the days go and get jumbled into a mountain (or a mole-hill) that just wont seem to get out of your head. Some people like this feeling and are content to stay, however if you are anything like me, you want these feelings to go away. 

  Much easier said than done, yes.... but I just did it, with my list, so perhaps you can too. Muster that  tough that is inside of you and make a list of things to smile about and then actually smile. Let it wash over you until you feel it in your toes, like a good morning yawn-stretch. 

  The junk that got you down in the first place will more than likely still be present but the way in which you see it might change in the hue of your new mood. 

  Embrace the power within to sway the way you are feeling and allow yourself to be positive, upbeat, and constantly moving forward. As the British saying goes, "Keep Calm and Carry On"!

Prism

by N. Jane Allio

Blue the color of you
Calming, Chopping, Chattering you
Home beloved, Life giving, Life taking you
Earth-wide, Cloud-wide, Being-wide, you.

Green the color of your tarns
Simulacrum charm of the mountain's youth
Trees and Leaves and Reeves, you
Captured in the morning dew.

White the color of your wisps
Fluffy dust-lights from the sky, you
Falling to the agog earth below you
Arresting to the land, the trees, the me's beneath, you.

Grey the color of you bedraggled
Filched and Hallowed, Imbibed, you
Heedless of our greed for you
Needless of our feed of you.

Transparent the color of your strength
To Fill and Bleed and Lead us, you
In the wind and as the rain you
Play with us a maritime game.
     For we will come and we will go
     But you will always flow.

The Tasty - Updated

Good Morning Readers!

  I have added a new recipe to The Tasty: Hand-Whisked Mini Meringues & Berry Marmalade. These really do melt in your mouth and are such a nice alternative to traditional cookies. I hope you enjoy them as much as we did last night!

Thanks for reading,
 N. Jane Allio 

Still We Walk Together

by N. Jane Allio

We have walked together
though streets of cities unknown,
Lingered in gardens
or on bridge tops.
Sailed side by side on oceans of blue green and white foam,
Flooded rooms with laughter and witty banter,
skipped by the river of the Chattahoochee,
Climbed snow-capped mountains in rented boots,
and swam in frigid waters for New Year's custom.
Holy united on forgotten farmland country roads,
glistened in the moonlight on soft pillowed sand
on cold September nights,
Scaled rooftops, train trestles,
parking decks, and tree limbs.
Listened while you spake softly to me
and watched as you got down on one knee,
Waited patiently miles apart for "we"
and even married,
Conjointly, journeyed to foreign lands
in search of a new dwelling to call our own.
We have walked together in lifetimes passed,
down the lane of our toasty happy home,
through the turbulent waves of life's storm,
Braving fear of uncertainty and loss,
Breathing the crispness of winter's first wind,
Basking naked in the rays of summer sunlight
so temperate and kind.
Clothed in garments of patience,
Rooted in everlasting love,
Mounted upon the wings of hope,
Still we walk together.

The Feminine: Updated

Dear Readers,

   I have posted an update to "The Feminine" section of my blog. This section and this post in particular, is for those women (and men if any) that are looking for something more genuine, real, and candid. This post, Lessons Learned, is for the honest woman in search of wholeness in life and love and self; who are not afraid to examine and test themselves further pushing for an ever-better-you. 

So read if you wish, and if not, so be it.

Thanks for reading,

 N. Jane Allio

A Young Wife's Tale

By N. Jane Allio


In the stillness of the morning sun
Your hands reach around my waist
Pull me close into your heart
The warmth of your body envelopes me
Your Ora permeates mine and they combine

Eyes squeezed shut
Heads held close
Tangled in this moment
We cannot hold

And then life hits like a ton of bricks

Taken for granted
Tainted and scattered
Clutching so tight
I wont let it breathe

Confusion and pain
Anger again-
Playing the blaming game
I give in to my insecurity
Loose my grip on reality

Weaknesses I fail to see
Coming from inside me
Ugly and Crude
I'm rude to you-
My words are arrows
Perfectly aimed for injury

Your patient silence screams in my heart
Wanting to let go of the old
Afraid of the new
I wont let me trust you
My stubborn pride

I take to the sea -
Allow my fears to wash over me
Realized disdained
Renounce the ill and somehow reconcile my will

Your eyes have never left me
Watching and waiting quietly
No hint of reproof

Photo contribution by N.Allio

Wisdom in full -
You knowing how I bloom
Oh the lessons I learn with you

You remain steadfast and pure
Trusting me when I wont trust you
Leading me in love and truth
While I mitigate my youth

Love is not an object to attain
Nor is it a losing game
It is the holy arch between us two
Reminding me I can start anew.

Ode of the Epoch

by N. Jane Allio

Pound Pound Pound each foot as it hits the ground ....
Thump Thump Thump the heart recirculates the blood ....
Swoosh Swoosh Swoosh the air bursts of  the lungs ....
Tap Tap Tap so many noises bend to distract ....
Tick Tick Tock goes the clock around a watch ....


And this is the game we play
each day hoping to find our way

through the streets of life
against the talk of time.

Think Think Think those around hear the silent weep ....
Scream Scream Scream we tell our children that it is just a dream ....
Dazed Dazed  Dazed alive but with our eyes glazed ....
Knock Knock Knock we bar the door of the brain ....
Pray Pray Pray to keep the fey of hell away ....

And this is the game we play
merrily about our days

keeping all within the rhyme
benighted until the end obtained.

Tsk Tsk Tsk we say and creativity is led astray ....
Shush Shush Shushed the little ones run a muck ....
Whip Whip Wack as not to keep them off track ....
Flick Flick Fling one of them has caught a gleam ....
Himm Himm Humm the vibration has just begun ....
Zip Zip Zap the whole world heard the crack ....

And this is the game we play
hearts shattered in array

in the name of love we pledge
to never change save in death.

Pluck Pluck Pluck the strings of the heart have opened up ....
Meany Miney Moe I must follow the flow ....
Mimicking Mimicking Mock the burst of light from the top  ....
Flittering Flittering Float its time to laugh at the goat ....
Splittery Splittery Splat watch the pride 'round the back ....

And this is the game we play
for those that found the watery way

down the Nile of the grind
effectuate the epoch of the eye.

The Art of Loving Me

by N. Jane Allio

Photo contribution by Alana Saporiti

     You know those days that seem to get you down? I mean really down. They take the wind out of your sails and the sun out of the sky and everything turns into a very big deal very quickly? From this state of mind it gets easier to get angry and frustrated - the red cloud takes over and the fire burns wildly in your eyes hungry for fuel to fan your flame. So consumed things begin to slip from view.

     This week I found myself having wallowed in such a state for days - or to be quite honest a few weeks. There were so many reasons I gave myself to why I was 'justified' in my state and why I 'deserved' to feel this way and everyone in close contact with me could suffer too. However, there was something that wasn't settling right. If I was truly justified in my self pity, then why were things just getting worse? 

     Then Tuesday morning I read a story about this overweight woman in Over-eaters Anonymous who couldn't get a hold of her disorder, no matter how many meetings or support groups she went to she couldn't give up gorging. Then one day she went to an OA conference where the speaker challenged the audience with these words, "If not now, when?" The words were like dynamite to the dam of pent up 'stuff' within me and they began to overwhelmingly flood my mind and I gave each a voice and listened. After taking time to hear each one, I began to realize I was the common denominator! I was the one hanging on to past hurts and frustrations. I was the one beating myself up over little things, not cutting myself the slack I so easily cut others, I was the one not listening to me, and I was the one angry with myself. When was I going to stop holding on to these ways? When was I going to start changing? When was I going to acknowledge I am an emotional human and accept each emotion? When was I going to stop denying myself happiness? When was I going to start to live each day fully? When was I going to start loving and accepting all of me? Tomorrow? In a few weeks? It had already been a few and I was miserable. No, I was going to do it now. 

     I decided to take the day off from troubles, worries, frustrations, anger, bitterness, and self-degenerative behaviors, and spend it instead meditating, listening to and following my intuition and inner guide, doing the things I truly desired to do - if not now, when? So I took a walk around the waterfront, reflected, wrote, read, went to a coffee shop, the library, and had a wonderful day. I stopped holding onto the past and trying to re-live it. The past is gone, all we have is this moment to do and be who we are but we must find the courage to live presently without fear. 

     My journey is not over - I have many more exciting lessons to learn, but I know this is the blooming of a beautiful loving friendship with only person that truly has the power to change my life now. Me.